Tools Explained

The following are general descriptions of commonly used tools and equipment used in the processes lab.

DRILL PRESS
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had so carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.  Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, “Ouch….”

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS
Used to round off bolt heads.  Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.  It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS
Used to round off bolt heads.  If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.  Handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub from which you want to remove the bearing race.

TABLE SAW
A large stationary power tool commonly used for launching wood projectiles to test wall integrity.

BAND SAW
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut the good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS
Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16″ socket you’ve been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4
Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS
A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE
Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER
Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog crap off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR
A tool is ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn’t use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST
A tool for testing the tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN #2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER
A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS
See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT
The home mechanic’s own tanning booth.  Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, “the sunshine vitamin,” which is not otherwise found under cars at night.  Health benefits aside, it’s main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.  More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or to open the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER
A tool for opening paint cans.  Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and for butchering your palms.

AIR COMPRESSOR
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, to neatly round off their heads.

PRY BAR
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER
A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.  Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while you’re wearing them.